grace

Pumpkins and stews and carrot colored leaves, it was the perfect fall day. Cameras were aimed at children who rode horses and played outdoor games. Music could be heard for miles. We were there for hours.     

But minutes before leaving; it happened. My whispered voice was stern; my words were cunning and sharp and went straight to the heart of my child. The evidence was a quivering chin and eyes defying the tears that wanted to fall. The behavior needed correction, but when the spewing was over I regretted every word.

Grace. Why didn’t I just give grace?

Moments later we both apologized and it was done. But not really.   

I couldn’t fall asleep that night. I hit the rewind button and heard my own words over and over. I tiptoed out of the bed and into the room where my little one was already asleep.

Maybe I wanted to apologize again. I wish I had handled it differently. I wish I had loved instead of lashing out. My throat was tight and I could feel a lump forming. I just wanted to fall asleep and be done with the day. I closed my eyes.

And God gave me grace.

Grace that covers my stinging words.

Grace to spite my demanding expectations.

Grace that loves when I’m far from lovely.  

And grace in the midst of motherhood.

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12 thoughts on “grace

  1. I love this one Amanda.You reveal your vulnerabilty as a loving mom. It’s stinks sometimes that as moms we have to be so human. I still remember scenes like that from my past with my children through the years. God provides us with such grace we need to learn to follow His example for ourselves.

  2. OH how I relate to this! I know so many time should give grace when instead I give harsh words that come from my frustraition. Thank God for HIS grace.

  3. i had one of the moments on sunday. my daughter extended grace to me, but it took much much longer for me to accept God’s grace to myself. instead of accepting grace, i kept worrying about the possible impact of my angry words on my fragile child. your words, especially the last line, were what my soul needed. thank you for this reminder of grace in the midst of motherhood. 🙂

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