July 9

It would be any other day if it weren’t for the fact that today would have been my due date. It was the date put on the calendar, circled in red. It was the day we would welcome our fourth child. If it was a girl, we’d name her Lucy and if it was a boy, he would have been Benjamin. 

The excitement our family shared came to an end after a painful Dr.’s visit. The heartbeat that we had celebrated weeks earlier was mysteriously gone. The words “I’m so sorry,” seemed to be mouthed in slow motion by a stranger dressed in Sponge Bob scrubs. I was led through a long corridor, far away from the happy pregnant women discussing birth plans and nursery designs. The ultrasound pictures that were framed on our refrigerator would be all we had left of four months of pregnancy.

Luke, photograph by Emily @ chattingatthesky.com

 

In the days to follow, I strolled alongside strangers at the post office, the library and grocery store. I didn’t want to have meaningless conversation; I didn’t want to make eye contact with anyone. I wanted my due date back. I wanted to feel queasy when I smelt hot dogs. And I wanted God to tell me why He had hurt me. 

Garrett, photograph by Emily @ chattingatthesky.com

 

In the midst of tears, looking into a closet filled with maternity clothes, I heard –

“Be still and know that I am God …”

In the business card of my OBGYN, neatly hung on my refrigerator of four more appointments that were no longer necessary, I heard –

“Be still and know that I am God …”

In the pregnancy books that lay on my nightstand – 

“Be still and know that I am God …”

Gracie, photograph by Emily @ chattingatthesky.com

 

It was raw, painful and lonely. This morning my mind drifts to a hospital where a baby should have been born. But instead this day will likely rival the day before. Tasks will be checked off mounting to do lists, breakfast and lunch will be served and the demands of life will play out. Very few people will know that my baby should have been born today. But in these quiet, stolen moments, before the shuffling of feet begin, I’ll thank God for the precious children I’ve been given and for that child that I’ll one day see again.

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2 thoughts on “July 9

  1. I am sad for you today. I know the pain you speak of. This coming Sunday I am supposed to be 28 weeks pregnant…instead it is nearly 13 weeks since I delivered Abigail Eden into the arms of Jesus. Oct. 3rd is quickly approaching and that day scares me. I am so thankful we will see our babies again in Heaven.

    God be with you this day and always.

    Jen

  2. Amanda, it was so nice of you to stop by my blog this evening and take the time to leave a note. Thank you. I’m so sorry for your loss. So many question in life have no earthly answers. May you be comforted in the quiet moments of the days ahead.

    P.S. You have a lovely blog, and it’s so nice to be meet a fellow-writer out in blogland. I will be back.

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